Strip Cheese: Lindsay Lohan is Lindsay No-Hand in the Unintentionally Hilarious “I Know Who Killed Me”

I never thought Lindsay Lohan could stoop this low. That is until I heard she proclaimed the cocaine found in her pants wasn’t hers. They weren’t even her pants! Yeah, Linds keep snorting that booger sugar. While Lindsay makes her way to rehab for the third time (third time’s the charm) I’m still wrapping my head around what can only be described as the most bizarrely horrible film of 2007. Although I never said it wasn’t entertaining or side-splittingly hilarious.

But it’s not fair to bring up Ms. Lohan’s (who can act, just not here) unfortunate real life traumas when there’s something a whole lot worse happening to her on the big screen. That would be “I Know Who Killed Me” (a film that would be the result of a threesome between “Saw,” “Showgirls,” and “The Parent Trap”) a horribly conceived mess that’s supposed to be, I’m guessing, an erotic thriller? Come on, after being held captive by a serial killer Lohan’s limbs get chopped off and the doctor gives her a robotic mechanical hand and an electronic prosthetic leg. How is the audience really supposed to take this seriously? In case you care, Lohan is Aubrey a nice high school journalist whose theme color is blue. She writes stories about Dakota, a slutty stripper, (is there any other kind?) whose theme color is red. When Aubrey is kidnapped by a serial killer and left for dead minus two limbs, it is Dakota who emerges much to the shock of Aubrey’s parents. So is she Aubrey or Dakota? What is her favorite color, blue or red? And when will Lindsay Lohan get her life back together?

I think Ms. Lohan got confused when she read the script. She probably figured that many actresses who have gone slutty have won awards. Even Oscars. Take cinematic hookers Mira Sorvino and Kim Basinger. Both played prostitutes and then both nabbed Oscar gold. Of course, they didn’t play serial killer stripper victims who get fitted with mechanical hands. Seriously, I’m not kidding: Lohan gets a mechanical hand. It’s worth the admission price just for that scene. I’m going out on a limb here (natch!) but I’m guessing half of the crew was high when they actually accepted this job.

Everything here is shoddily done. The editing is lumbering and evident. The camerawork is just plain average. This movie looks like it should be premiering at 1AM on Cinemax (no offense to pay cable channels). And the film has about the same class as a crack mother teaching kindergarten. Did anyone actually read novice Jeff Hammond’s script before signing on because the writing is horrible as well. The acting isn’t as atrocious as say “Showgirls” (Elizabeth Berkley is still the Worst Actress Ever reigning champion) but it’s not exactly good either.

Oh and did you notice how everything in the movie is the color blue. Oh my good, if I never have to look at the color blue again I’ll die happy. Gimme a break people! Hey director Chris Sivertson, have you ever heard of subtlety? (Obviously not, because after all, this is the movie where Lindsay Lohan gets a mechanical hand!) And how am I supposed to keep a straight face during the “intense” finale when Lindsay’s prosthetic leg keeps beeping because the battery is running low? Is that supposed to help create suspense or something? It doesn’t do anything but create chuckles from the people in the audience who are kicking themselves for paying to see Lindsay Lohan get a mechanical hand.

And the film sets up what we think is going to be a revelation that both Dakota (red Lindsay) and Aubrey (blue Lindsay) are in fact the same person (split personality?) but no, the writer had to come up with something even more ludicrous. Just when you think it can’t get any worse, surprise, it does! The revelation of the killer is mind-numbingly stupid, not to mention pointless.

You know what? “I Know Who Killed Me” is probably one of the most entertaining bad movies to come out in a while. Wait until it comes out on DVD, invite your friends over, open a six-pack and just let ‘er rip. This movie will be coming soon to a bargain bin near you. Yes, I told you a mechanical hand! GRADE: D- *

*(or an A- for sheer entertainment value)